Navigating Life After a Narcissistic Ex

Part of the reason it took me so long to leave my narcissistic ex was the fear of what waited for me on the other side. Now that I have left, I can say without a doubt that leaving that toxic relationship was the best decision I ever made. Even so, this new world I find myself in has been filled with uncertainty and emotional turmoil. Part of it has been due to the ongoing antics of my ex, which you'll read about in this blog. Part of it has been learning to navigating as a 42-year-old single mom of four kids. And part of it has been learning to heal the scars that my ex left behind.

Everything I read says that it takes time to rebuild one's life after leaving a relationship with a narcissist and to heal the scars that were left behind. They say, however, that it is possible to find happiness again.

I'm still early in my journey of recovery, but I'm going to share in this post some of the advice that I've gathered from other sources. I'm doing my best to put these into practice, but it can be hard, especially after years of being made to feel like I was worthless.

Understanding Narcissism

Before diving into recovery, let's look at what narcissism really is. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is characterized by a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. Individuals with NPD often manipulate and exploit others to meet their own needs, leaving their partners feeling devalued and confused.

Some common traits include:

• Excessive need for admiration: Constantly seeking validation and praise.

My ex did this by always building himself up as the smartest person in the room. He claimed to always be right about everything. He also constantly sought my approval and attention. It was like having a fifth child in the house, and he would become irritable if he felt I wasn't paying enough attention to him.

• Lack of empathy: Difficulty understanding or caring about others' feelings.

My thoughts and feelings never mattered to my ex. It didn't matter if I disagreed about something, he would always do it anyway. He also actually "joked"/bragged about how he didn't have emotions like other people.

• Manipulative tendencies: Using guilt or emotional blackmail to control others.

My ex is really good about doing this right now with our kids. I fought really hard to have a provision included in our Child Custody Agreement that gave our children the right to say they didn't want to visit with him. Whenever they exercise that right, he will try to make them feel incredibly guilty. He'll claim to have spent a lot of money on tickets for some fun activity he had planned to do with them, make them feel bad about choosing not to see their father, tell them that they "owe" him that visitation time, etc. Classic manipulation.

• Entitlement: Believing they deserve special treatment or privileges.

It was a running joke between my parents and I that my ex thought the rules never applied to him. And, man, did he love to push the boundaries to try to prove that he was right. A simple story involves one time we went out for my birthday dinner. We went to a fancy new restaurant I had wanted to try. We had a party of 8: our four kids, the two of us, and my two parents. There was a sign up at the hostess counter when you first walked into the restaurant that all parties of 8 or more would have gratuity automatically added. My ex must not have seen the sign, though, and he completely lost his temper at the end of dinner when gratuity was included on our bill. He was screaming at the waiter, then at the manager, then in the middle of the restaurant at no one. He then stormed out and started yelling at the top of his lungs to no one in particular -- but loud enough so that all passersby would hear it -- about how horrible the restaurant was. Luckily my cool-headed father was with us, and he quietly resolved the situation. But this insanely embarrassing event happened solely because my ex didn't think the "gratuity included for parties of 8 or more" rule should apply to him.

• Gaslighting: Making you doubt your reality or perceptions.

I remember a clear example of this from when my ex and I were dating. We were laying in bed one night when he started tickling me. I hate being tickled. I kept yelling at him to stop, but he thought it was funny and kept going until I could barely breathe. I tried to push him off but, in the process, I accidently hit him in the face. His whole demeanor shifted, and he became irate at me for having the audacity to hit him. He stormed out of the house without telling me where he was going. He was gone for something like two hours, during which time I sat on at the bottom of our stairs and sobbed. I frantically tried to call him, but he wouldn't answer any of my calls. I left several tearful voicemails begging him to come home so that we could talk about what happened. When he finally came home, he acted like nothing had happened. He claimed he had only run out to get some more chewing tobacco, he had only been gone for 15-20 minutes, and he didn't understand why I was so upset. If I hadn't had the call logs showing how long I had tried to reach him, I would have doubted that the entire incident had occurred.

The Emotional Impact of Leaving

They say that leaving a narcissistic relationship can trigger a range of emotions, including relief, guilt, anger, and sadness. I definitely went through each of these emotions at different times, and I sometimes still do.

• Relief: The fact that I have finally escaped the toxic environment I was stuck in for more than a decade has brought me a profound sense of freedom.

• Guilt: I felt some guilt for leaving, especially at the beginning. But I had tried marriage counseling three separate times, and he only wanted to blame me for everything. As I'll describe in a different post, though, I let him stay in our house longer than I should have because I felt guilty for kicking him out because I thought he had no money to afford rent. That was a huge mistake.

• Anger: I feel some anger towards my ex for the pain he caused me, but staying angry takes a lot of energy that I frankly don't have. I'd rather move on, and I simply try not to think about him at all unless I have to.

• Sadness: I definitely mourned the loss of our relationship and the future I had envisioned together, especially right after I filed for divorce. While I was working with my divorce attorney but before I had actually filed for divorce, my oldest daughter played a song in the car one day about how the male singer used to be his partner's hero and now he's her villain. It reminded me of my situation with my ex, and I completely lost it. My poor daughter had no idea why I was crying at the song.

• Longing: I haven't ever longed for my ex, per se, but I have longed for the idea of him that I once held. I wish I had a good male role model around for my sons and an extra set of hands to help with things around the house like yard work or dealing with the internet. I wish I had someone to hold me at night and to help bear the emotional, financial, and time burdens of running this family. My ex was not that person.

  
  

Coping Strategies

The resources I've read offer the following coping strategies when leaving a narcissistic relationship:

• Journaling

• Therapy

• Support groups

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety in 2012 while I was pregnant with our first child, and I have been in therapy more or less since then. The frequency has varied depending on what has been going on in my life. For example, right now I'm only seeing a therapist every other week. Between the time I filed for divorce and until the divorce was finalized a few months ago, though, I was having weekly sessions. I have found that, like so many other things, therapy is one of those things where you get out what you put into it. I try to be completely honest with my therapist, and it really helps me vent and process things. By being completely honest, it also allows my therapist what she needs to provide the best help possible to me.

I've never been one for journaling, except when traveling. With the divorce, though, my emails to my attorney have become a sort of record of all the crazy stunts my ex has been pulling. It does help to put things down on paper. After I write down what happened and talk to my therapist about it, I can push the memories of these negative incidents to the recesses of my mind. I try not to dwell on them, because I don't think I'd like the person that would turn me into.

I'm hoping this blog will act as a means of journaling too, except I hope it will help others going through similar things in addition to helping me process my thoughts and emotions.

Rebuilding Your Identity

Since leaving the narcissistic relationship with my ex, I have often felt lost and unsure of who I am. I used to know, but now I'm not so sure. He destroyed my confidence in myself, and I wasn't allowed to have hobbies or interests that didn't match his. If I'm going to heal, I need to rebuild my identity. According to what I've been reading, here are some suggestions on ways to rediscover yourself:

• Explore Your Interests: Take time to engage in activities that bring you joy.

Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of time as a single mom of 4 kids who works full-time as a litigation attorney. I basically have 2 full time jobs, both of which require me to put in lots of overtime. I won't be able to go scuba diving again any time soon -- something I used to love to do before I met my ex since I grew up in Florida -- but I can do other things like read a little before bed. I couldn't do that with my ex because he always insisted on watching TV before bed. It's something small, but at least it's mine.

• Set Boundaries: Limit contact with your narcissistic ex and surround yourself with supportive individuals who respect your boundaries.

I've definitely done the former -- as part of our divorce agreement, my ex is only allowed to contact me by email and only about 4 specific topics (custody exchanges, finances related to the kids, the kids' health, and his custodial time with the kids). He is also required to stay 50 feet away from me and not allowed on my property. It's not a protective order, but it tries to provide some of the same protections. My ex also made me feel guilty about going out with friends. Now I'm trying to make a point of strengthening those friendships I have left, mainly with parents of my kids' friends. I'm going out on an occasional girls' night or meeting a friend for dinner. In addition to my family, the support of those friends has been crucial in making it through this so far.

• Practice Self-Care: Exercise regularly, eat healthy, practice mindfulness, and do other things to focus on your physical, emotional, and mental health.

This is one of the most difficult things for me to put into practice because, like a lot of moms, I feel guilty if I spend too much time on me. I don't have a lot of free time so I should spend that time with my kids, not on myself, right? According to the experts, wrong. But I just can't bring myself to take a Saturday away from the kids to go to a spa or anything like that. That said, since filing for divorce, I have been focusing more on my own health. I've been seeing doctors for ailments that I've put off taking care of for a long time. I started seeing a functional medicine doctor and, under his guidance, I've lost about 60 lbs in the last five or six months alone just by changing my diet. It's a slow process, but I'm getting there.

Navigating Co-Parenting

The hardest thing I've had to do with my narcissistic ex is try to co-parent. He's always been a "it's my way or no way at all" kind of guy, which doesn't leave a lot of room for compromise. I'm trying my best to keep him in the loop about things, but it's hard when he's constantly threatening to "destroy" me. (Don't worry, I'll share those stories!) Realistically, we're probably going to end up in a "parallel parenting" situation instead.

If you are lucky enough to be able to co-parent with your narcissistic ex, though, then here's some advice I've picked up from others along the way:

• Establish Clear Communication - Use tools like shared calendars or co-parenting apps to keep track of schedules. Maintain open and respectful communication.

I've tried this, but my ex liked to use the shared Google calendars as his personal playground - adding, deleting, and editing events as he saw fit. I removed his ability to edit but left him viewing access. Despite being presented with clear evidence that he maintains viewing access (i.e., printouts or screenshots of the Google calendar settings page), he vows that he doesn't have access to our "Official Custody Schedule" Google calendar. Yet he knows when and where to show up for certain things. Fishy, no?

• Focus on the Children - Avoid discussing personal issues or conflicts in front of them, and prioritize their needs above all else.

I definitely prioritize the kids above all else -- they are my sun and moon. I give up things all the time just to make sure they are not without. I also try not to discuss my issues with their dad to or in front of them, but sometimes I feel like it comes back to bite me since my ex is exactly the opposite. According to the kids, he spends a lot of the time they're with him talking bad about me, and he shows them "evidence" that he has manipulated to support his distorted worldview. I then feel like I have to spend a day or two each time they come back defending myself against his claims. I have all the emails, texts, video footage, etc. showing that his version of events is wrong, but I hate dragging it out in front of the kids. It's none of their business! They shouldn't have to know what a horrible guy their dad actually is!

• Seek Professional Help - Involve a mediator or therapist to help resolve conflicts if co-parenting becomes too difficult.

Good in theory, but I'd say that you know whether or not this is actually feasible. For me it is not. My ex doesn't listen to anyone, illustrated by the fact that three separate divorce attorneys fired him as a client during our divorce process. (He's now representing himself in post-divorce matters.) He wouldn't take advice from a mediator or therapist, and he definitely wouldn't agree to a reasonable middle ground. In my situation, I'm afraid going to a judge is going to be the only thing I can do when it becomes too much.

Embracing New Relationships

This is a tricky topic for sure. I keep thinking about this, but I'm scared. I don't have a lot of time, it's been forever since I was part of the dating scene, I'm still not confident in myself, and I'm afraid of ending up in another relationship with someone like my ex. I keep telling myself that I need to work on getting comfortable with myself before I start thinking about bringing someone else into the picture.

On the other hand, my youngest daughter has been asking for years -- way before I filed for divorce -- if she could get a new dad. And now she's starting to tell me all she wants for Christmas is a new Dad. Ugh.

Moving Forward with Confidence

This is definitely going to be a journey. It is going to take time, patience, and self-compassion. I'm going to try to stay positive and work on believing on myself -- and you should too if you're walking away from a narcissistic relationship.

I hope you'll join me on this adventure, celebrate my progress with me, and support me through any set-backs. Together, I'm going to reclaim my life and learn to thrive.